While 2012 was a fairly significant time of my life – with finishing my degree, graduating, having a break up, the Olympics happening, and becoming a real world working person – I thought that 2013 would’ve been pretty dull in comparison. As I became more adult and more accustomed to responsibility, I just assumed I’d become more grown up. I imagined a world where I’d pick wine based on region rather than price and percentage. A world of business cards and saying ‘yah’ a lot, of Clubcard points and reasonable bedtimes.
Sadly, this did not happen.
Anyway, here’s a load of confused updates about the Superbowl, terrible eating habits, Eurovision, hangovers, drunken charitable donations and obscure pop culture references. Thrown into the mix, there’s also some other fairly nice things too – like my first appearance on radio(!), the moment I believed that Andy Murray could win Wimbledon, and the moment where I found out that as a gay lady, I’d be able to legally commit to the love of my life and call it a marriage. Like last year’s, it’s kind of a sweet whistle-stop tour through the things that mattered to me most during those 12 months.
Also, just quickly, it’s arguable that this compilation is a fairly narcissistic thing to do, I know – so I’m sorry! But I have a memory like a colander, and one day I’d really like to maybe write some sort of (terribly boring) memoir. So please consider this a gigantic short cut for me. Total laziness.
So, without any further ado – here we go! Here’s a brief overview of my 2013 in Facebook statuses. It doesn’t start well…
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Just made my first phone call of the year. It was to Halifax, asking them to please replace my bank card after last night’s shenanigans. Peaked in shame when she asked me what my last transactions on the account were. They were McDonalds and a 99p iTunes transaction for a Ke$ha song.
I was the first person in the office for work this morning. As I walked through the floor, all the motion sensitive lights turned on after me. I felt like a slightly more clerical version of Michael Jackson. In that moment I was Billie Keen.
HMV going in to administration and independent records stores prevailing makes me think that the Little Shop Around The Corner probably should have tried harder to take down Fox Books.
I don’t know what it means for my life when I read lewd tweets that mention ‘cumin’ and automatically assume it’s spice rack chat.
I think I’ve just died and gone to Beyonce.
Just ate a whole packet of dairylea cheese slices. Felt a bit ashamed of myself so I chased them down with an olive and a slice of ham so I could legitimately call it antipasti.
“Just close it and re-open it,” I say to my mum after her browser crashes… So she shuts the laptop screen down and then opens it again.
I just drank a drink that was my exact same body temperature and I couldn’t even tell I was drinking apart from the fact I could hear myself glugging.
To anyone being a LAD and promoting Steak and Blowjob day today: you best be both a good cook and bendy – because the only way it’s going to happen is if you do it yourself. And if you’re not bendy, then let’s hope you own a hoover. LAD etc etc yawn yawn yawn
Good Friday in my pyjamas is a GREAT Friday.
Being healthy today and having a yoghurt for breakfast. Well, frozen yoghurt. OK so technically it’s ice cream. OK FINE I’M HAVING A MCFLURRY FOR BREAKFAST GOD GET OFF MY CASE
‘Christina why must you insist on throwing your clothes on the floor? You worked in retail for God knows how long, why do you treat your clothes so badly!!’ ‘Mum I worked in TK Maxx.’
All I want from life is a girl who can differentiate between Asian and African elephants.
Spending this evening making myself an advent calendar… for Eurovision.
Oh darn it. Thought I’d gotten rid of all the racists on the last day this country honoured a fictional man killing a fictional dragon.
Just read my monthly text reminding me I’m due to pay my phone bill on the 1st. Was about to go absolutely through the roof when I saw my inordinately large bill… Before I remembered that when I watched Comic Relief I was slightly drunk and sent a donation text every time I cried/when a member of One Direction cried.
ONLY 24 HOURS TO GO UNTIL EUROVISION! This is my last Eurovision post now, I promise. For the final day of the countdown, I’ve given my ‘expert’ opinion on tomorrow night’s entries. If I haven’t picked the winner I’ll be devastated. Ohhh, it’s so close I CAN ALMOST TASTE IT! – http://wp.me/p2J6HN-nO
Voted so much I think I need to join in with the other European tradition of being bailed out.
Just misread a Groupon email and got inordinately excited at the prospect of a ‘cat and blowdry’ for fifteen pounds.
My Eurovision phone bill just came through… Apparently I’m funding it next year.
He can’t surely win? Oh my days! Seriously, if he wins I say David Cameron storms the court and announces tomorrow as a Bank Holiday. COME ON ANDY!
help me I’m sleeping on the landing because my room is infested with moths and I can hear more of them banging on the window trying to get in why are they so flappy and dusty help
Steady your loins, ladies. I’m now marriable.
I just devoured a mini milk with such ferocity and desire it was almost indecent. #fell-ice-io
Oh my God. How can I be 24 years of age and still completely unable to get into a tiptop without hurting myself?
Swapping my sim card over to my old smashed up phone in preparation for tomorrow night. Then that way if I drunkenly drop it, I will have one properly smashed phone rather than two moderately smashed phones. Which also guarantees me a non-smashed working phone on Saturday morning!! LOGIC
So excited for the start of the X Factor! And for the end of my social life until Christmas. It’s the only time of year I can legit say ‘sorry, but it’s Abba week’.
Commuting realisations so far: waiting for a train in the rain is only marginally more appealing then throwing myself on the tracks, Birmingham New Street smells of a combination of super noodles and piss, and to combat smelly space invaders ideally train travel should always be done with mace spray in one hand and a bottle of Febreze in the other.
OH MY DAYS I’ve just had the best Dragons’ Den idea ever. A hot water bottle… That also functions as a flask. It’s going to be called the “Mug ‘n’ Hug” and the slogan will be ‘warm yourself in two different ways’, or words to that effect! May’s well just quit my job now because my gut feeling tells me this has legs like the BFG’s
Feeling as fresh as a daisy today… If that daisy had been trampled in shit.
‘Clootie dumpling’ sounds like a cute name for a vagina.
Generating scorn from all other commuters by deviating from my 7am usual morning line-up and blaring out the ‘Tangled’ soundtrack through my oversized headphones. I am an arsehole. In other news I just keep wondering, and wondering, and wondering, and wondering – when will my life begin?
The weirdest thing just happened. I was sat in traffic staring at a blinking street lamp, thinking how cool it would be if I were like Matilda and could fix it blinking from afar. So stared hard at it for a few moments, squinting hard at it for just a few seconds, just to give it a go… And it stopped blinking. AM I MATILDA?
Fuck me, Robin Thicke is even slimier than Ghostbusters 2.
I’m not being dramatic or anything, but the word ‘Crimbo’ makes me feel almost physically sick. Just call it Christmas! It’s the same amount of syllables! You’re benefitting nowhere!
Love I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. It’s the perfect mix of entertainment, Schadenfreude, and watching famous people scoff animal dick and balls for biscuits.
Going packed off to work with so many painkillers and tins of soup that I look like a cross between Lloyd’s Pharmacy and the Harvest Festival.
If anyone just listened to some mental girl talking about how much she loves Christmas on BBC Coventry & Warwickshire radio… That was me. #radiostar
SNEAKING DOWNSTAIRS AND HAVING MY FIRST ADVENT CALENDAR CHOCOLATE NOW SORRY NOT SORRY
(30/11/2014, 23:57)
Being hungover at work is just the worst. Legit just contemplated using a KFC wipe as a make up wipe. HELP
The only penguin I could ever hate is that beady-eyed prick from The Wrong Trousers.
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So, there you go! Another year of Facebook updates over. Here’s to another year of bad habits and never growing up.
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